Alas, Dick Cheney, We Hardly Knew Ye
Of course, that’s because you hardly let us…
The Smoking Gun managed to get a copy of an obituary mock-up for Dick Cheney accidentally made public on CNN’s website a couple days ago. Apparently most news organizations have nearly-ready-to-go obituaries in their files for famous personages, “just in case”–CNN is only unusual in having posted them to a public part of their website (a mistake which has since been remedied).
But I have a different theory: Cheney’s really dead. That’s the “undisclosed location”! Look at the obituary CNN posted: the date of Cheney’s death is given as 2001, which is precisely when we started hearing that Cheney had been taken to an undisclosed location. And the pull-quote is taken from a statement Cheney made the year before, right after a check-up. Remember, he had these “not-heart-attacks” that put him in the hospital a couple times? Clearly he suffered a massive not-coronary-infraction on hearing about the attacks on 9/11, and died. CNN prepared their obituary and was ready to roll when the cover-up came down. Anyone who has ever read Philip Roth’s amazingly vicious portrayal of Nixon’s presidency, Our Gang, has a pretty good sense of what went down. Afraid to admit to the American people that Cheney had become collateral damage in the latest fat-food ad campaign, and that the President was sailing without a rudder, the Veep’s handlers came down on CNN and other outlets, assuring them that despite what they may have heard or seen, the Veep was still very much alive and that running an obituary would be a breach of national security. When CNN’s Eason Jordan revealed that CNN had been covering up stories in Iraq in order to protect their sources and employees working there, someone at CNN let the new-found freedom to speak go to his/her head, and leaked the Cheney obit. S/he was quickly discovered and “neutralized” by DoJ forces, but by then the damage was done.
Which also explains why Powell has been so inneffective these last 20 months–since Cheney’s death, Powell has actually been the Vice President. And nobody listens to the Vice President.